This blog post won’t be easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. But my hope is that for anyone who has been debating about volunteering as a photographer or a dispatcher for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, this may be the encouragement you need to take the leap. NILMDTS is a non profit organization that connects families with professional photographers, to record the tiny bit of life of their precious newborn. These services are offered to families whose babies have been still born or have passed away after being born, before leaving the hospital. As photographers, we are extensively trained in how to step into every parent’s worst nightmare, to pull out what will be precious to them. There are also volunteers who check in on the photographers to debrief after sessions.
Recently, Kathleen Cairns, of Fox 45 News, requested an interview about my volunteer work with NILMDTS. She wondered if we could connect, for an interview, with a family who I had serviced through NILMDTS. I will share a bit of the Straw’ s story here, which is typically never done; however, the Straws have agreed to participate to help raise awareness for NILMDTS via the news interview and this blog.
When Fox 45 asked if I knew a family that would like to participate, the Straw family came to mind right away. Sara connected with me personally after the portrait time that marked the tiny life of her sweet little boy Lucas 2 1/2 years ago. I’ve since learned that almost never happens, but something compelled Sara to reach out to me and we’ve been connected ever since. As a photographer who marks this time for a family, we are intimately connected to the worst moment of devastation in their lives. I’ve learned these families are always very grateful for our coverage of their baby and at a complete loss.
When I stepped into Sara’s hospital room, I prayed for the strength to mark this time and contain emotions that would well up in me. That strength was delivered. Stepping into this time is as equally devastating as it is tender and raw. As a marker of this time, I’m well aware that after I leave, it often marks the end of the time the baby spends with their family here on earth. It’s a heavy calling to step into this kind of grief; but one I know has incalculable value to the family. What came as a complete shock to me, is that I am able to go into photographer mode during these shoots. I’m well aware that this is the last opportunity to mark this little baby’s life and that enables me, during the shoot, to hold the emotions at bay. I never would have predicted that, but the training helped and knowing so many others have been able to do this as well.
Sara learned that baby Lucas had passed away, almost full term, in utero. After a heart breaking delivery, with one of her best friends as her L&D nurse, little Lucas was welcomed into the arms of his mom and dad. Grandparents were there as well to celebrate his little life and offer comfort. One of the moments that emblazoned on my brain is when Sara’s mom was attempting to comfort her sobbing daughter. She said, “It’s ok, Sara, it’s ok,” certainly at a total loss herself to see her child in such pain and wanting for all the world to take that pain away. Sara’s sobbing response is what I’ll never forget, “No mom, there’s nothing ok about this, nothing.”
Of course she was right. There’s nothing ok about holding the too short life of your precious baby. What we do through NILMDTS is validate that that little life existed. Because when a mom enters a hospital pregnant and leaves without her baby, it feels like the rest of the world never even acknowledged the life she bore. She bears all the post-partum markings…just without the baby. She walks around in a haze, shrouded in a mantel of grief that feels like it’s pulling her under all day and night. Most people she comes across know nothing about the life she birthed and lost. So I want that mom and dad to remember that someone knew their baby. I want them to know someone noticed what was precious about their baby. I hope those things I noticed may be sweet remembrances as the stories of that baby are told through the family who never got a chance to meet the baby.
When I record this time for a family, I talk to their baby and say that baby’s name while I call out what is precious. “Oh mom, little Lucas has the most adorable button nose. He gets that from you!” “Olivia you are so beautiful, look at all your curly red hair!” “Oh Timmy you have the most perfect little almond shaped eyes.” I say these things because they are true and to validate that this little life existed, is celebrated, is loved and is mourned all in the same day.
If you’d like to learn more about volunteering with NILMDTS, please check out their website and feel free to send me a message.
Love. There is absolutely nothing here but pure and wonderfully executed LOVE.